How to survive a horror movie!

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The Horror Film Survival Crate-

What You Need To Make It To The Credits!

By Nic Brown

 

 
Halloween is coming up. Samhain, the time when the barriers between our world and the world of the dead are the thinnest. In other words, it’s my favorite time of year! I love this season with all of its strange traditions and interesting customs. It’s also a great time to watch scary movies! Whether they are Universal horror classics like “Dracula”, Hammer horror like “The Curse of the Wolfman” or something more modern like “Trick’r Treat”, it’s hard to go wrong with a good scary movie for the scariest of seasons.

 

With horror films in mind, B-Movie Man accepted a challenge from the folks at Man Crates. Man Crates is a unique company that provides gift 'crates' filled with interesting combinations of items to cover any interest from barbecuing to outdoor adventures. Now they've asked me what I thought should go in a crate designed to help you survive a horror film? A simple question, but one that leads to another, more important question. What horror film would you need to survive?

 

Conveniently enough, the folks at Man Crates have all of your zombie survival needs covered. That still leaves a few interesting possibilities though.

 

How about a vampire film? Forget the sparkling vampires of the tween set. Let’s talk old school, stay out of the sun, drink your blood until you die, vampires - undead with an attitude. Maybe instead of a box, this one should be a coffin? So what would be in my coffin kit to deal with Nosferatu? Holy water for a start, at least a gallon of it, and the Frog Brothers from “The Lost Boys” had it right - a water gun to dispense it with. Of course you can run out of holy water if you aren’t careful, so my coffin crate would also hold a silver cross and maybe a few cloves of garlic for good measure… or at least some garlic toast in case I get hungry.

Another possibility would be dealing with a personal favorite of mine: werewolves. I’ve always had a soft spot for lycanthropes, a fact anyone who’s read my Werewolf for Hire series of novels will know. But, what if it wasn’t my werewolves I had to deal with? What if it was the something more sinister, like the clan of killer canines from Neil Marshall’s “Dog Soldiers” or the crazy commune killers from “The Howling”?  Well in that case my box would be completely different. But before you think the first thing I’d want are silver bullets, think again. Ballistics tests have shown that a bullet made of solid silver would not work well in a modern, rifled firearm. The metal is too hard so it won’t catch the spin in the barrel, meaning less accuracy and way more chance for problems with your gun. No. I’d take a crossbow with silver tipped arrows as my Werewolves-of-London-stopping crate main weapon of choice. Of course a crossbow is not exactly the best weapon for in-close fighting, so I’d also look for a good combat knife like a Gurkha kukri, but with a honed silver blade. I’d finish that crate off with a jar of colloidal silver; silver in a liquid solution could be real handy in a pinch, after all.

Of course no consideration of horror film survival crates would be complete without looking at what it would take to survive the most ubiquitous of the season’s film favorites: the slasher! What could I hope to have in my survival crate to live through facing a crazy killer with a chainsaw or a mad man with a butcher knife? I’d say it is time to pack some heat. Guns, boys and girls. I say go big or go home. A .44 magnum would be just about right. That’s enough stopping power to put a damper on any mad man’s plan… if he plays by the rules. Unfortunately we’ve all seen Dr. Loomis shoot Michael Myers six times at the end of “Halloween” (or seven at the start of “Halloween II”) and we know how well that worked out, just ask all of Laurie Strode’s friends. So assuming our insane killer is a Jason Vorhees or Michael Myers style slasher, we’ll need some extra goodies in the crate to live through that one. What, you might ask? A shovel, a tarp, three bags of fast dry cement, and a recording of all of the dialogue P.J. Soles spoke in “Halloween”. No killer can resist heading straight for the sound of a promiscuous teen girl saying “totally” over and over again. So I use that as bait to lead the killer onto the tarp, which happens to cover the pit I’ve dug and filled with the quick dry cement… did I mention that crate contains an extra couple of hours for me to do all that prep work before the killer showed up? Yeah, if they can be unkillable, then I can have extra time in my crate!

 

The bottom line is that the good folks at Man Crates may have their work cut out for them to keep me alive in the middle of a horror movie, but it sounds like it would be a fun time trying! Happy Halloween!



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